Who wears a wallet chain?!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
