I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
