i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
