I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
