I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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