Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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