My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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