2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I need to stop coming to work sober
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
