I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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