so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
