So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
