96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I stole a fireplace last night.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
