i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
