How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
