i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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