Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize