Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
