Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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