Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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