The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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