i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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