Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
