I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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