ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
