It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
