oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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