Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Michael Bay diarrhea
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
