The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
