Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
