To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
