I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Randomize
