I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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