He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
