I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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