My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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