I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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