just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
