we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
