Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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