i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
