Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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