What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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