I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
