Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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