i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
