You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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