good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
