he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
