My sheets look like a crime scene.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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