You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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