I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize