He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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