Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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