Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
