How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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