If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
