He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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