Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
