Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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