It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
