Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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