I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize