I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
