you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
