i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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