Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
