Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
