i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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