Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize