I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
then he tried to convert me to islam
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
